Turns Out I Do Know The Muffin Man (A Dear Mary Mystery) Read online

  TURNS OUT I DO KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN

  BY

  STACY MATTHEWS

  Copyright © 2013

  Stacy Matthews

  All rights reserved

  This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations,

  and events portrayed in this book are either

  products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  Dedicated to Mo Gaffney,

  without whom the title of this

  book would have been

  “New book #2”.

  To all my family and friends, and

  the ladies at the Edwardsville Bank!

  As always my Mom, and I can’t

  leave out my Dad. Love you both.

  Main Character List

  Sidney Graham: Ex- marketing director came back to Edwardsville to live and figure out what it is she wants to with her life. Not as self confident as she should be, but she’s working on it.

  Charlie Crossland: retired CIA used to be best friends with Sid’s Grandfather. Now he and Sid are partners in a Private Investigation business. He’s in his Mid sixties, but in very good shape. On the outside he tries to act like the responsible adult, inside he’s a big kid.

  Mrs. Houtz: one of the ringleaders of the Edwardsville “Mafia”. Anytime a man in town becomes a widower the E-Mafia is there to make sure he’s fed, the laundry is done and the house is taken care of. She is German and has a very thick accent. She and Mrs. Edmonds are widows and live together to cut down on cost. She is very active in the community. Sid often refers to her as Jane Marple, because of her investigative skills.

  Mrs. Edmonds: the other ringleader of the E-Mafia. She is a tiny Hungarian woman. She has a thick accent as well. She is also always on the go. She too has great investigative skills and Sid has given her the nickname of Jessica Fletcher.

  Mrs. Bartley: is probably the only normal one in the E-Mafia. She’s a lovely elderly woman who likes to help people and loves the mischief the other three get into. She can cook with the best of them and loves to be in the middle of whatever shenanigans her friends get into.

  Mrs. Ruby: part of the E-Mafia. Nothing happens in the neighborhood without her knowing about it. She loves her “refreshments” that’s code for whatever beer is on sale, and working in her yard. She used to live next door to Sid, before Sid moved in with Mrs. Houtz and Mrs. Edomonds.

  Mark: a former co-worker of Charlie’s. Charlie enlisted his help when Sid’s grandfather was missing. Now he is an unofficial employee for Sid and Charlie’s new business.

  Tweddle: is on of the only remaining hobo’s left from Sid’s childhood. He lives wherever he can find a spot, and keeps to himself. Everyone in town knows Tweddle and Tweddle knows everyone.

  Late September

  Dear Mary,

  Where do I start? After all the hoopla of Grandpa’s funeral and his mail order bride had settled down, the E-Mafia started cleaning and putting the house back in order. They each have their own CDO’s; it’s like OCD but with all the letters in the right order.

  They had divided the left over food into three different sections. The determining factor as to what went where was decided by when I was going to eat it. Now you would have thought what I wanted to eat and when I wanted to eat it would have been left up to me. Oh Mary, you silly, silly imaginary woman, we are talking about the Edwardsville Mafia after all. The food I was going to eat within the next few days were in labeled and dated containers and left in the fridge. The food for a few weeks away was in labeled and dated containers and put in the refrigerator freezer. Finally, the food for months down the road was in labeled dated containers in the deep freeze. I’m glad I don’t have any CDO’s, I’ll just rearrange the fridge as soon as they leave. There was so much food I gave Charlie more than half of it. He cooks about as well as I do, and I didn’t see any reason for him not to share in all of this homemade goodness.

  It was time to start thinking about what I was going to do with Grandpa’s house. I had put it off as long as I could. Part of me wanted to keep it, because of all the memories of him and my Mom and Dad. It’s a nice size house, but let’s face it, we both know I would never be able to keep up the yard the way Grandpa had, and quite frankly I’m tired of being alone. I hadn’t realized that until after spending so much time recouping with Mrs. Houtz and Mrs. Edmonds, affectionately referred to by Charlie and me as Fletcher and Marple.

  After a lot of serious thinking and deliberation, I decided to sell the house. It was just too big for one person. I went back to New York for a couple of months. I quit my job, said goodbye to all my friends, packed everything I wanted to keep and sold my apartment. I decided to sell all my furniture because I felt like I needed a fresh start. Besides, a shopping spree will do wonders for me.

  Charlie was supposed to pick me up at the airport. Instead, Mrs. Houtz and Mrs. Edmonds were there to greet me. At first I thought Charlie must have been busy helping Mark. I could tell something was wrong by the look on Mrs. Edmond’s face. Mrs. Houtz was strong as a rock. They both hugged me as I got off the plane. Then without a word Mrs. Houtz took me by the hand and straight to one of the airport bars and found the first available table. She ordered three shots of Southern Comfort with water backs. Still not a word was said.

  Now I was starting to get worried. The ladies know I don’t drink, although since I’ve been staying with them that’s starting to change. When the drinks arrived, she looked at as though she had something horrible to tell me. I could tell she had been crying then she said, “Sid, I hate to have to tell you this but Charlie was in a car accident while you were in New York.” As she’s talking I realized I was holding my breath, so I took a deep breath and let it out. She continued, “He’s broken his leg, it’s a pretty bad break. They’ve done the surgery and he’s home now.” With that, we all took our shot.

  I don’t think I’ve ever met two more over the top drama queens in all my life, and yet so cute all at the same time. All of that for a broken leg, I know it’s a serious broken leg, but the way they were acting I thought they were going to tell me he was in a coma or something worse. Geez.

  We picked up my luggage, caught a cab and made it back to Grandpa’s. Yes, a cab. Apparently they were so upset by his broken leg they couldn’t drive. With the way they slammed down those shots I was happy to be in the cab. Something tells me they may have had a couple before my plane had gotten there. I’m sure it was for what Mrs. Ruby would say was, “Medicinal” purposes.

  They insisted I come over for supper, which I didn’t fight. I really didn’t want to be alone tonight. The cab dropped me off at Grandpa’s; I went in, unpacked, and grabbed a quick shower. I have to say nothing feels quite as good as a hot shower after a long flight. I changed my clothes, grabbed the presents I had gotten for the ladies and headed over for supper. I had gotten Mrs. Houtz a shot glass that was disguised as a measuring cup. It had the little ounce markers printed on one side and “I” a heart shape then “NY” under that on the other. She made a big fuss about how much she loved it, and how handy it would be instead of having to break out the measuring cups when she’s baking. We both knew exactly what she would be using it for, but if that made her feel better about it, so be it. I got Mrs. Edmonds the cutest apron. It took me forever to find it, but I finally an apron that covered the entire front and not just from the waist down. There’s a picture of an elderly woman in an old-timey dress, bending over taking an apple pie out of the oven. The caption reads, “New York home of the Big Apple” and it has a picture of a giant apple on her butt. They both loved that. Mrs. Edmond
s said she thought the apple would need to be bigger than that to cover her bottom! Then they got the giggles and couldn’t stop. As always we moved into the kitchen to talk as they prepared supper.

  It was unbelievable: T- bone Steaks, twice baked potatoes, caesar salad and a fabulous old world European dessert I had never had before. I could have eaten an entire pan of that stuff. I’m still in awe of how little effort it seems to take for these two to make, what I would call, gourmet meals. The clean up is always done as they go, so there’s nothing to do when everyone is finished eating. It’s just amazing. I’m not kidding, one of these days I’m really going to pay attention and figure out how they do it.

  I could tell Charlie’s broken leg wasn’t the most exciting thing that happened while I was gone. They were practically tripping over their tongues trying to casually bring up conversations that would lead to the big news. You know I wasn’t about to let them off that easy Mary. They scared me to death at the airport; they were going to have to work a little to get to the great gossip. We had coffee with dessert and talked about everything and everyone.

  It started off with the visit from the kids and grandkids. They said from now on only one family at a time. It was too much for both of the families to be there at the same time. If it hadn’t been for the fact that some of them had stayed at Grandpa’s, they didn’t think they would have survived. Not that they didn’t love seeing their children and grandchildren, just not all of them at once, and not for ten days.

  That’s when they came up with the four-day rule. They had decided that was the longest any of the children or grandchildren could stay. Mrs. Houtz said, “Don’t get us wrong Sid, we love our families and enjoy spending time with them. But they did stay longer than we thought, and we had to cancel several other activities we had planned. It was our turn to host the Sunday Brunch. You know how much we love our Sunday Brunches, and Mrs. Ruby was going to try out her new recipe for pomegranate mimosas.” If you could have seen the look of disappointment on their faces, well it would have just broke your heart. Who would have thought missing out on trying a drink could bring such mental distress.

  I love their accents. They are so fun; makes me wish I had one. Mrs. Houtz’s is still so thick after all these years. With the combination of the smells coming out of the kitchen and her accent, if I close my eyes I could swear I was in Germany. I’ve noticed the cooler it gets, the more they cook. The Sunday brunches turn into Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday brunches, which was fine by me. Tuesdays are for doctor appointments and Saturday is family time. Just in case you were wondering.

  Actually it seems the colder it gets the more all the ladies cook and drink lately. I’m not sure how Mrs. Ruby started getting them to like “Refreshments” as well as she does, but she has. I’m going to have to watch them and myself this winter. Seems every time they pour themselves one they make sure I have one. If Charlie is here, they make sure he has one.

  The subject of selling Grandpa’s house came up again. I thought they were hinting around that they wanted me to move in with them. Now I know you are going to find this hard to believe, but I am the worst when it comes to picking up on hints from people. So I had to come right out and ask them if they were asking me to move in with them. They looked at one another as if to see which one would speak first. Mrs. Houtz said, “Yes dear; it’s no secret that, well how shall I put this? Sweetie, everyone in town knows you can’t cook and hate to clean house. We think that your Grandfathers’ house is far too big for you to handle and seeing how you will most likely be at our house for supper every night, you may as well move in.” The whole time she’s talking Mrs. Edmonds was nodding her head in agreement. Then Mrs. Edmonds pipes up and says, “And it worked out so lovely when you stayed with us to make sure you didn’t have a concussion, we thought it could just continue.” I told them I would think about it and get back with them.

  I left around 9:30pm or so. As I was walking back to Grandpa’s, I was thinking a lot about what they had said. Living in New York all those years had me pretty spoiled. The only thing in the kitchen I used, besides the coffee pot, was the microwave to re-heat the leftovers from a restaurant or whatever I had delivered the night before. I never even did my laundry. There was a service I used that would come by my apartment every week, pick up my dirty clothes and bring back clean, fluffed and folded clothes half an hour after I got home from work.

  Money isn’t an issue. I need to do some serious thinking. That deep soul searching kind of thinking, about what it is I want to do with the rest of my life.

  The first decision was easy enough, and already done. I knew I wanted to come back here to live. Now I need to figure out what it is I want to do. It’s not as easy as it was when we were little and could say, “I want to be a policeman.” Then run off and play cops and robbers until you get tired of that game and switch to something else. If only it were that easy. I don’t know why it can’t be, but it isn’t.

  I made my way to my bedroom, the only room with any furniture in it. Maybe something will come to me overnight. You see what I did there? I was able to put off the dynamic duo’s gossip machine for one more day. I’m getting pretty good at this, and I haven’t even practiced in weeks. Charlie will be proud of me.

  Talk at you tomorrow

  Late afternoon

  Dear Mary,

  Well, nothing came to me. I did a little looking around town. Even though I am tired of apartment living, I did check out those apartments above the post office. I have to say they were nothing like I had made them out to be in my ten-year-old imagination. They were tiny, dingy, and nothing at all like Rhoda from the Mary Tyler Moore show would have lived in. I so wanted to be her neighbor. I would have officially been the coolest kid in Edwardsville had she been. Looking at those was one of the bigger letdowns I’ve experienced.

  I’ve been sorting through Grandpa’s things deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. I donated all of his clothes to the local homeless shelters, and I donated all of his furniture to an organization that gives it to families in need. It’s all this knickknack stuff I don’t know what to do with. I’ve kept the family things that mean something to me, but there are so many other things that I knew meant something to him, but nothing to me. I almost feel like by letting them go I’m not caring about Grandpa or the things that meant so much to him. I decided to keep one of his fishing lures and give all the rest of his fishing gear to Charlie. I know Charlie will appreciate it, and I think Grandpa would have wanted him to have it.

  While I was in New York, I had decided I would have a lunch and invite all of his buddies over so they could go through his tools and take what they wanted. It was so sweet; the first thing they did was put together a tool kit for me. Then they ripped through the rest of it like those women you see at those wedding dress sales. There was hardly anything left by the time they finished. It was fun listening to the stories that went with each item they picked out. I heard a few things I never heard about Grandpa before. Nothing surprising, just interesting, and it gave me a view of him as a man not just a grandpa. All in all, I would say the day was a success and I think Grandpa would have loved it.

  After that, I sat out everything that was left and let the rest of the neighbors come over and take something that reminded them of Grandpa. After they were gone, I was in the garage going through the few items that were left when Mrs. Houtz and Edmonds walked in. They decided to come over and see if they could help. But what they really wanted was to tell me about the biggest thing to happen in Edwardsville in, well, ever. I knew it had to be good; they were practically drooling. We started talking, and before I knew it, we were in the kitchen and having coffee and coffee cake.

  It’s amazing to me how these two can make their way into anyone’s kitchen and have coffee and something to eat going before even the owner of the house knows what’s going on.

  Apparently the Burkhart’s had been fighting again. Now this in itself is no big news, Emily and Bob Burkhart are a
n elderly couple that live on the outskirts of town that like to drink a lot and scream at one another. They have been doing this as far back as I can remember. Sometimes the police get called out to the house to calm the situation down, but all in all they really are nice people.

  Word from the E-mafia is that Sherri Lietzen, a neighbor of theirs, had gone over to borrow something from Mrs. Burkhart. She knocked on the front door, but no one answered, so she decided to walk down to the basement door. As she was getting ready to knock, she looked in and saw Mrs. Burkhart lying on the floor. She went in and called 911. According to the E-Mafia Mr. Burkhart is missing, and the police don’t know what to make of it. A detective had spoken to Mrs. Lietzen and told her she was not to speak to anyone about the incident. I could tell by the looks on their faces this was killing them.

  They both said the saddest part was that Emily and her identical twin sister Patty had just started to reconnect after not speaking to one another for almost thirty-five years. I asked why they hadn’t spoken for so long. Mrs. Houtz said, “Apparently Bob and Patty dated all through high school. A year after Patty went off to college Bob and Emily kind of started dating.”

  I’m way a head of you here Mary. I asked her the same thing, how could someone “kind of date?” She said, “They may have met at the drugstore for a cup of coffee, or he might have walked her home from work. But they never went on what one would call an official date. Well, when this news got back to Patty she had a fit. The story goes: she came back to town and waited for just the right time to confront them. Evidently Patty had a flare for the dramatic. She waited for Emily and Bob to be at the drugstore, then went in and told both of them from that point on they were dead to her. Then she said everything they touched would fail. With that she turned on her heels and walked out, some say it was her way of putting a curse on them and their relationship. It wasn’t a very good curse. They did quite well for themselves. In my country if you wanted to put a curse on someone, you did more than scream at them in front of people.” Mrs. Edmonds was nodding her head in agreement.